The king and us

The DLR’s fantasy cabinet is a political conundrum. So far, we have a president, but his roles are unclear. Is he head of state? Head of government? Will there be a prime minister? Is there a Politburo and party-state separation? Is this an autocratic dictatorship characterised by unnecessary torture and repression, a bit like Hackney council (cf Kingland Road roadworks currently)?

To external observers, it may seem like we’re making it up as we go along. Not so! This is, in fact, a carefully crafted body of individuals who qualify based on one simple idea: their hotness.

Hence, we feel empowered to muddy the political waters yet further by appointing to the cabinet a royal family. That’s right, the DLR’s fantasy cabinet will be joining such luminaries as Saudi Arabia and, err, Oman (and a few others) as a cabinet headed by a monarch. But we shall go further! We shall have not one monarch, but two sitting at the head of the table.

The first of these shall be our king. Now, most kings are relatively old and not particularly attractive. That whole having to wait for your parent to die before you get a job issue really hinders youthful, vigorous monarchs. That is, unless you have a particularly enlightened monarch who voluntarily steps down in favour of democracy, constitutional monarchy and his youthful, eldest son.

And that’s exactly what happened in Bhutan. We here at the DLR love Bhutan: pristine Himalayan scenery; old-school Buddhist adherence; a tradition of painting phallic images on your homes; a dragon-covered flag; the policy of increasing Gross National Happiness rather than Gross National Product; the first country to introduce a public smoking ban; and the last country to introduce television (with televisual wrestling later banned because it was too violent). Now, there’s another reason to *heart* this mountain paradise: King Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck.

We bow down before you, Your Fitness.

Khesar (to us, His Majesty Lord High Kingliness to you plebs) has been king for about three years now, but despite his position of responsibility he retains his Elvisine quiff and youthful good looks. (He’s a mere 31 years of age.)

Now, we know Buddhism is all about selflessness and transcending human desire, but how can you not want His Hotness to rule over you with his sceptre and orbs? We’re all for enlightenment, but in this case we’re happy to eschew Nirvana for a few more lives if it means a quick game of monarch and maid/manservant with King Wangchuck.

Sure, it looks like dreamy King Wangchuck is thinking about affairs of state and the eight-fold path to enlightenment, but maybe, just maybe he’s actually thinking about affairs with the DLR and the one-fold path to our bed.

The tragic news for all you Wangchuck followers is that he’s now engaged. And to quite the hotty herself: 21-year-old Jetsun Pema. Still, the more conniving among our readers will, we’re sure, be able to conjure up ways to discredit the otherwise virginal Jetsun and manoeuvre into the queen’s seat themselves.

If that happens, we would be most grateful for a grant from the Bhutanese Arts Council/National Economic and Social Research Council for our diligent attempts to grow the UK’s Gross National Happiness (while contributing very little to its Gross National Product).

Thank you, DLR readers, and most importantly thank YOU Fit King Wangchucklas for gracing our cabinet with your handome and boyish looks.

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