With the eurozone imploding at a dramatic rate, the US haggling over whether or not to wreck the entire global economy and the Murdoch empire’s evil tentacles being severed one by one, we here at the DLR think you might need some executive current affairs relief.
And that’s why it’s time for another addition to our fantasy cabinet. To recap, thus far we have President Joseph ‘mad dog’ Kabila, Minister for Equal Opportunities Mara ‘cor blimey’ Carfagna, and Minister for the Environment Zac ‘global hottie’ Goldsmith. Quite the looker line-up.
But this fantasy cabinet posting is dedicated not to the cabinet itself, but the people that keep it honest. Why? Well, we have three reasons. One, it is, in effect, a kind of tribute to the News Corpse (ha! See? Because it’s dying!) saga, whereby the fourth estate has been exposed as a corrupt, rotten body breaking laws for its own self-interest rather than the broader public interest of keeping the government accountable. Two, to highlight just the latest of Ukraine’s many, fascinating, tribal political scandals. And three, because the subject of this post is, frankly, hot.
Said subject? Why, none other than Yulia Tymoshenko. The purists out there will no doubt begrudge the inclusion of an opposition figure into a string of posts about a fantasy cabinet. To them, we say pah! Pah! because Yulia and her hair are too great not to include and anyway, given how politics work in Ukraine, she could be back in power by the time we finish writing this sentence.
Of course, she has the tricky task of navigating out of a (potentially) multiple court case in which she’s currently involved. Now, we have ultimate faith in the two-time prime minister and all-round hair pioneer, but it must be said she is a little up against it at the moment. Accused of costing the state a couple of hundred million dollars owing to gas deals signed with Russia (you know, just after Moscow cut off gas to Ukraine), she’s also under investigation for treason and embezzlement. Gulp.
Still, it’s nothing that the flaxon-haired, Orange Revolutionary can’t handle, we’re sure. Charges against Yulia come and go, and while these current accusations seem determined to prevent her running in elections for a good few years, we feel confident she’ll still feature heavily in Ukrainian politics and our affections for years to come.
Did we mention that Yulia’s daughter, Eugenia, is married to an Englishman by the name of Sean Carr, who also happens to be the lead singer of a really-not-very-good metal band called Death Valley Screamers? Legend.
I’m sure you’ll agree that as opposition figures go, Tymoshenko far outdoes the Palins and Milibands of this world. Yulia, you can oppose our cabinet any time.